Comedy Festival blog: Dave Thornton contemplates the end

Friday 20 April 2012, 5:54 PM
By The Team | Posted in Events and People

Nothing says 'celebrating a Comedy Festival' like a plate of Bavarian meat

‘And now, the end is near; and so I face, the final curtain…’ Ol’ Blue Eyes sang that and I’m sure he’s up in heaven now, watching me write the above and thinking to himself, ‘What in God’s name is a blog?’

This is the last blog entry, sports fans, and I have no idea if anyone has read this. However, over these last few weeks I’m happy I got to a) purge my comedy stories, and b) work on my touch typing. I’m almost making myself semi-employable. God forbid…

So 2012 is drawing to an end (Editor’s note: Must show Dave where April falls in the calendar year…) and according to the Mayans this will be the last year. On the other hand, my car repayments are scheduled for another two years, so it could go either way. But as the Melbourne International Comedy Festival draws to a close, many people ask what us comedians do afterwards.

Well, first things first. We spend the last weekend of this fine festival enjoying the accomplishments of our last month whilst simultaneously enduring a weekend-long hangover. After that we are released back into the big bad world and try our best to assimilate, where we ask the big questions like ‘What happened while I was in my own world performing? Did I make any money over the last month? What the hell is a “one directioner”?’

For some comedians it’s back to their day jobs. For others it’s more touring. For a small minority it’s even rehab. For this little hobo it’s off to Sydney where I’ll perform at its comedy festival (and where I feel my Bondi jokes will be better received). Later in the year I’m off to Edinburgh to tackle the world’s largest fringe festival…again. In between I’ll be continuing my weekly podcast with fellow comedian Tommy Little, called SlapBang (out every Friday, free on iTunes), and generally making a nuisance of myself on various mediums.

Thanks for reading and, in the immortal words of my father, ‘It’s better to sit there and appear stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.’ Maybe I should have listened to him more.

Comedy Festival blog: Dave Thornton on the comedian lifestyle

Wednesday 18 April 2012, 4:49 PM
By The Team | Posted in Events and People

This is the rockstar lifestyle of a comedian

Many non-comedians (I refer to y’all as ‘civilians’) ask about the comics’ lifestyle and assume we all live like rock stars. Living like a rock star these days means selling your song to Apple for them to play on an iPod commercial or dating a reality TV star. Or both.

In short, no we don’t live like that. Nor do we rock out as much as you might think we do. The Melbourne Comedy Festival runs for a month straight – if we partied every night we’d fall apart (however my publicist assures me the ensuing Ben Cousin’s–esque documentary could be good for my profile).

To be honest, some nights during the week I’m home and hosed a little less than an hour after my show, with a glass of wine and a downloaded copy of Breaking Bad season five (legally downloaded of course: pens down, lawyers).

As with anyone’s job, when the weekend ramps up, so does the partying. Out and about, us comedians tend to hang with other comedians and just like 9–5ers, we bitch and bemoan the shortfalls of our career. The great reprise of our chosen profession is if you choose to go out, you can sleep in knowing that your shift won’t begin until the PM.

If a comedian at the MICF heads out for a rather large night, he or she will invariably end up at the Hi–Fi Bar on Swanston Street. That’s where late night comedy shows are held and upstairs in the bar is where comedians spend their (abundant) time and (minimal) money until the wee hours of the morn.

For most of the month, Hi–Fi is busier than Bourke Street, with more concentrated ‘funny’ per metre than a Vespa carrying a circus full of clowns. Like any work function we laugh with mates, make snide comments behind others’ backs and sometimes display regretful acts on the photocopy machine (the Comedy Festival bought one this year- we’ve all had a go at photocopying our backsides on it).

Oh and in case you though we have groupies – we don’t. The groupies are more concerned that One Direction are in town…

Comedy Festival blog: Dave Thornton on who to see before they’re famous

Monday 16 April 2012, 6:31 PM
By The Team | Posted in Events and People

No comment needed for this kind of hilarity

At a music festival there always comes a time when you lose friends because they want to check out a band on another stage, while you refuse to go because you’d rather stab your eyelids with semitrailers than sit through some Latin-polka fusion.

Music festivals usually only have two or three bands to choose from at one time; at a comedy festival the selection is amplified. Who do you go to? Will your mates find it funny? Why is the lump on your buttock getting larger? I can’t help you out with the last question, but I can give you a guiding hand when it comes to the other two.

What I’m going to do now is mention people whom you may not have seen before, or that don’t have a big profile…yet. There’s nothing wrong with going to see people off the telly. I’m just saying that kind of choice is like barracking for Hawthorn because you grew up in the 80s – they’re successful, so you chose them. It’s an easy cop out.

So, in no particular order, here are some locals who are well worth the price of admission*:

Xavier Michelides is the Brain Whisperer. A combination of one-man sketch and stand-up that is so clever and funny it made my neurons laugh. Portland Hotel, corner of Russell St and Lt Collins St, 7.15pm.

Kate McLennan – Homeward Bound. A personal story driven by a wonderful performance. Victoria Hotel, 215 Lt Collins St; 7.15pm.

Tommy Little – A Fistful of Apologies. Young. Talented. Funny. He’ll steal work from me. Arthur’s Bar, 95 Flinders Lane; 9.30pm.

Matt Okine – Being Black & Chicken & S#%t. This guy is from Sydney and it’s well worth checking out his personable stand-up because he’s not here often.Melbourne Town Hall, corner of Swanston St and Collins St; 9:30pm.

Harley Breen – Shape Up. This guy has funny bones and in this year’s show he talks about weight loss and how his bones used to be filled with lard and gravy. Portland Hotel, 8.30pm.

Daniel Townes – Judge Me Smudge Me. Dan’s also from Sydney, so it’s a treat to have him here – guaranteed laughs. Portland Hotel, 9.45pm.

There are also plenty of other talented, funny locals, so take a punt, take a risk. Go on – look windswept and interesting, check out someone you’ve never seen before. When you do, you’ll be more attractive to people whose private parts you want to see.**

*NB: For all these performances, remember no shows on Mondays and all shows start an hour earlier on Sundays.

**Actual people may not become more attracted to you.

*** A third footnote is too much.